update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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