I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
