why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
