the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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