No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
