I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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