so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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