she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
