Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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