I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Boobs are out for the taking
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
