I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
