his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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