On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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