our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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