I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
then he tried to convert me to islam
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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