I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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