the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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