Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
