I hate all girls vehemently.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
