Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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