Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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