Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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