I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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