HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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