Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
