I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
