the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
