I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
