I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize