and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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