I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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