It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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