I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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