my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
