Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I still have a little drunk in my system
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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