My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
