um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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