i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
3 2 1 whiskey
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
