So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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