guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
