member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
