Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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