you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
