she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize