with your own penis?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
