Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
