U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
