Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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