It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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