Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
