Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
