so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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