When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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