haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
