why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
