Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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