My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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